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MY WIFE'S SECOND FLOOR 

%n (Original Jfaxa 

IN 

ONE ACT 

BY , 

JOHN M. MORTON, Esq. 
*i 

(MEMBER OF THE DRAMATIC AUTHOR8' SOCIETY) 

AUTHOR OF 

Lend Me Five Shillings — Little Savage — My Precious Betsy — Where 
there's a will there's a way — John Dobbs — A most unwarrantable 
Intrusion — Dying for Love— Your Life's in Danger — ■ Old 
Honesty — Box and Cox — Trumpeter's Wedding — Done on Both 
Sides — Thirty-three Next Birthday — Poor Pillicoddy — Young 
England — Which of the Two — A Husband to Order — Who do 
they take me for — Double Bedded Room — The Milliners' Holiday — 
Wedding Breakfast — Brother Ben — Attic Story — Who's the Com- 
poser — Who's my Husband — Slasher and Crasher — Prince for an 
Hour — Away xoith Melancholy — Waiting for an Omnibus — Betsy 
Baker — Who stole the pocket-book — Two Bonny castles — From Vil- 
lage to Court — Going to the Derby — Rights and Wrongs of Woman 
—Sent to the Tower — Our Wife — Irish Tiger — Ticklish Times — 
Take care of Dowb — Muleteer of Toledo — Game of Romps — How 
Stout You're Getting — Aunt Charlotte's Maid — Midnight Watch — - 
Grimshaw Bagshaw and Bradshaw — My First Fit of the Gout — 
My Husband's Ghost — Barbers of Bassora — Chaos is Come Again 
— Original — Sentinel — Spitfire — Sayings and Doings — Corporal's 
Wedding — Cousin Lambkin — Highwayman — My Wife's Come — 
Mother and Child are Doing Well — Railroad Trip — Thumping 
Legacy — Friend Waggles — Hopeless Passion — Capital Match — 
Woman I Adore — To Paris and Back — Whitebait at Greenwich — 
A Desperate Game — Don't Judge by Appearances — The Three 
Cuckoos, §c. 



LONDON : 

THOMAS HAILES LACY. 
89, STRAND, 

Opposite Southampton Street, Ccvent Garden Market,) 

* i % if- a 






MY WIFE'S SECOND FLOOR. 

First produced at the Princess's Theatre, 

Under the Management of Mr. Haddocks, 

June 22, 1853. 



CHARACTERS. 



CAPTAIN TOPHEAVY, B. N. 
MR. FELIX TODDLE 
JACOB CLOSE 
TIM, a Porter . 

MRS. TOPHEAVY 
FANNY MAYLOVE , 
MRS. DOWNEY . 



Mr. H. Wallace. 
Mr. Walter Lacy. 
Mr. Weight. 
Mr. Harris. 

Mrs. H. P. Grattan. 
Miss Emma Stanley. 
Miss Noel. 



SCENE.— A Lodging House, near Bristol. 



COSTUMES. 

Captain Topjheavy. — Pilot coat, over an undress naval surtout, 

blue trowsers and boots, low broad brimmed bat. 
Toddle — Cap, brown blouse, tartan trowsers, black stock, boots. Second 

dress. — A brown coat, witb brass buttons. 
Jacob Close. — Shabby coloured waistcoat, witb black stuff sleeves tied 

on, apron, brown breeclies, blue worsted stockings, shoes. 

Mrs. Topheavy. — Blue silk dress, white scarf, and white bonnet. 
Fanny Mayloye. — White muslin dress and pink bonnet. 
Mrs, Downey. — Brown silk dress and straw bonnet. 



TIME IN REPRESENTATION— 45 minutes. 



/V//y/ 



MY WIFE'S^SEOOND FLOOR 





SCENE. — A Comfortably Furnished apartment. — Bow 
window — door at c, and at each side*— A small door, 
E. 1 e. — A table ivith writing desk, arm chair, Sfc. $fc. — 
Portmanteau, bandbox, cloak, umbrella, Sfc. 

Mrs. Topheavy discovered seated at a table, l. writing, 

Mrs. T. That'll do, vastly well, {holding up a large card 
on which is written, " Second Floor to let, Furnished." 
I'm sure there isn't a more desirable second floor in all 
Bristol. Bow window, with a view of the Market place 
and the Pump — within five minutes walk of that cheerful 
lounge, the cemetery — the use of the back kitchen and 
coal cellar — and though last, not least, a convenient little 
back staircase {pointing to door, l. 1 e.) for folks to make 
their escape by, when folks they don't wish to see are 
coming up the other. 

Enter Jacob Close, c, dressed as a servant of all work of 
a lodging house, with boot and brush. 

Well, Jacob, have you executed all my commissions ? 

Jacob. Yes, ma'am. Firsto — I've taken one inside 
place in the '"London Telegraph." Secondo — I've taken 
your luggage to the coach office ; and thirdo — I know — 
I've put the advertisement about the lodgings into the 
newspaper, (repeating) "Second floor to let, furnished. 
A widow lady about to leave Bristol — " 

Mrs. T. A widow lady, Jacob ? 

Jacob. In course. Ain't you a widow ? 



4 MY WIFE S SECOND FLOOB. 

Mrs. T. To be sure — that is — Jacob Close, can you 
keep a secret ? 

Jacob. I'll keep anything you give me, ma'am. 

Mrs. T. Jacob, I'm a physiognomist, and I haven't 
looked into your fine expressive features for the last six 
weeks, without saying to myself "That is a man to be 
trusted." 

Jacob Then I wish my butcher and baker were physiog- 
nomists ! But, as you say, ma'am, I am a man to be 
trusted, and right proud I am of it. I haven't cleaned the 
windows, beat the carpets, run the errands, and polished 
the boots and shoes of this lodging house for the last fif- 
teen years, without seeing a good deal, {significantly) 

Mrs. T. And you never informed ? 

Jacob. Me ! I defy any one to say I ever gave 'em any 
information. No, no — only say to me "Jacob, mum's the 
word," and Jacob's as dumb as an oyster. Eyes open — 
mouth shut ; that's my motto. Why, I once found a gui- 
nea in a gentleman's boot, and I never said a word about 
it. 

Mrs. T. Then, Jacob, I'll trust you with a secret. I've 
imposed upon you. I am not a widow. 

Jacob. What ! you've got a husband — a live husband? 

Mrs. T. If I may be allowed to be a judge of the mat- 
ter, I have. Captain Topheavy, of the Royal Navy. 

Jacob. And yet you come down here, take our second 
floor, and pass yourself off as a widow ! 

Mrs. T. I did. Listen, Jacob. On the very morning 
fixed for our departure for Bristol, a vacancy occurred in 
the command of Her Majesty's steam ship the "Hurly- 
burly." Top determined — 

Jacob. Who's Top ? 

Mrs. T. Top — for Topheavy. Top, I repeat, deter- 
mined to apply for the appointment, and sent me down to 
Bristol alone — promising to join me as soon as possible. 
During the journey I reflected, and, at the end of it, de- 
termined to assume the title of widow, as a safeguard 
against those trifling, but by no means disagreeable atten- 
tions to which an unprotected woman — still in the bloom 
of youth, and by no means devoid of personal attraction* 
— is always liable. 



MY WIFE S SECOND FLOOK. 5 

Jacob. But, ma'am — why doesn't Top for Topheavy 
come down, as he said he would ? 

Mrs. T. Because he's obliged to kick his precious heels 
at the Admiralty from morning till night. That's his only 
chance of getting the "Hurlyburly." Here is his last 
letter — received this morning, (reads) "To Mrs. Top- 
heavy. London, Monday — Wind, South West, by South 
half South. My precious Fanny ! how goes it ? As for 
me, I feel quite at sea without you — like a ship without 
compass or rudder." That's tender, Jacob ! 
Jacob. Very ! 

Mrs. T. {reads) "The likeness you sent me of your 
lovely figure head is the only thing that keeps me afloat." 
That's poetical Jacob ! 
Jacob. Very ! 

Mrs. T. {reads) Without it I should founder — shiver 
my timbers!" 

Jacob. Poetical again ! 

Mrs. T. {reads) " Your affectionate husband, for evei 
and ever, Amen, — Tristram Topheavy." Now, Jacob, to 
my mind that letter says, as plain as can be, — "Fanny, 
dear, as I can't come to you, do you come to me" — and 
that's why I've made up my mind all of a hurry to let my 
second floor, start for London, and give my dear Top an 
agreeable surprise. Poor fellow ! you see how pleased he 
is at my sending him my picture. 

Jacob. No wonder — it was a picture ! I can't say much 
for the face, but the bonnet and shawl were wonderful 
like. 

Mrs. T. But, Jacob, how did you know that Mr. Toddle 
was so clever an artist ? 

Jacob. Bless you, I have it from the best authority — he 
told me so himself ! 

Mrs. T. Has he much practice in his profession ? 
Jacob. Practice! I believe you! he's always at it. 
Why, he ain't had our attics a fortnight, and there isn't 
an inch of wall that ain't covered with men and dogs, and 
poll parrots, and women, and cats, and other domestic 
animals. {a tap heard at c. d. 

Mrs. T. Come in ! {the door is slightly opened, and a 
hand appears t holding a card) 



6 MY WIFE S SECOND FLOOR. 

Jacob. It's Mr. Toddle, madam. He's in his working 
dress, and he's ashamed to show himself, {takes card, and 
shoivs it her) 

Mrs. T. {reading card) " Mr. Felix Toddle, historical, 
landscape, portrait, and animal painter to the Emperor of 
all the Russias, and the Mayor, Aldermen, and^ Common 
Council of the City of Bristol." Over leaf, in pencil, " F. T. 
requests the honour of a few minutes' conversation with 
Mrs. Topheavy." Certainly — desire Mr. Toddle to walk in. 

Jacob. Come in, Mr. Toddle. 

Toddle appears, c. d., and seems shy of entering. 

Don't be shy, sir ! (pulls Toddle into room) 

Mrs, T. {to Jacob, as he goes out) Jacob, mum! 

Jacob puts his hand to his mouth, and exits, c. 
Good morning, Mr. Toddle. 

Tod. You are not offended at my appearing before you 
in this costume ? {he is dressed in an artist's blouse, very 
much daubed with paint, Sfc.) 

Mrs. T. Oh dear, no. 

Tod. (l.) Oh dear, no ! You're aware it's a liberty — a 
considerable liberty— in short, ma'am, a liberty which you 
might very properly resent. 

Mrs. T. {laughing) Oh, well, I will resent it, if you 
wish it. 

Tod. Not on my account, I beg — I merely mention 
it to put the thing in its proper light, that's all. 

Mrs. T. I assure you 1 am happy to see you. 

Tod. Are you r "Then, most blooming of widows, I'm 
y^)ur most devoted. What a splendid full face you've got. 
(Mrs. Topheavy turns aside) Charming side view ! (Mrs. 
Topheavy turns round, with her back toivards him) Back 
view, not bad ! If you'll allow me, I'll — {takes out sketch 
book, and begins drawing) 

Mrs. T. {turning round) What's the man about ? Why 
what have you got there ? 

Tod. This? My sketch book, ma'am; I'm never with- 
out it. When anything strikes me, down it goes. See, 
ma'am — that's the street door opposite — that's the knocker 
— no, it isn't— that's the housemaid, taking in the tea and 
sugar from the grocer's boy — that's the grocer's boy, 



MY WIFE'S SECOND FLOOR. 

hanging on the railings — no that's his basket. Ah, here's 
an old friend I'm sure you'll recognize — our Tom cat. He 
came and sat to me yesterday, for an hour and half. 

Mrs. T. Well, I declare, it's very like ; but I don't see 
his tail. 

Tod. He was sitting on it, ma'am, all the time. 

Mrs. T.»l beg pardon, Mr. Toddle ; but I'm rather 
pressed for time. 

Tod. I see, you consider jny visit an intrusion. Well, 
ma'am, as I'm bound to put the thing in its proper light, 
it is an intrusion. 

Mrs. T. (angrily) No such thing, I tell you ! 

Tod. There's an expression ! (hurriedly opening sketch 
book, and beginning to draw) 

Here Jacob enters, c, pretending to look for something, 
but trying to overhear the conversation. 

Mrs. T. {knocking the book away) You asked to see me 
— here you are — here am I, and now, what do you want ? 

Tod. A favour, an enormous favour. 

Mrs. T. Of me ? 

Tod. Of you ! and if you'll only listen — 

Mrs. T. [impatiently) If you'll only speak — 

Tod. I will ! Ahem ! A gentlewoman of this good 
city of Bristol has expressed a wish to be transferred to 
canvass — in other words, is coming to sit to me for her 
portrait. 

Mrs. T. An old lady, Mr. Toddle ? 

Tod, {hesitating) Why — 

Mss. T. Elderly? 

Tod. Why — 

Mrs. T. Middle-aged? 

Tod. Why— 

Mrs. T. Young ? 

Tod. Why, there, or thereabouts ! (turns round and sees 
Jacob stuffing his sleeve into his mouth to prevent his laugh- 
ing) Holloa ! what do you want ? 

Jacob. Didn't you call, sir ? 

Tod. No, I did not ! 

Jacob. Very well, sir. It's a mistake, sir — you needn't 
apologize. Exit, c. 



8 MY WIFE'S SECOND FLOOR. 

Mrs. T. I think I understand you, Mr. Toddle. The 
enormous favour you want to ask of me, is the loan of my 
second floor, because you are ashamed to receive the lady 
in your attic. Is that it ? 

Tod. It is. You've a remarkable knack of putting 
things in their proper light. And now, ma'am — my dear 
ma'am — your answer ; yes, or no ? • 

Mrs. T. No ! 

Tod. That's to the point. I wish you a very good 
morning, {going) 

Mrs. T. Stay, Mr. Toddle. When I say no, I mean 
that my second floor is not to be lent, but to be let. 

Tod. To be let ? 

Mrs. T. Yes — I am about to leave Bristol at four o'clock, 
for London, and if you like to take my apartments until I 
return — 

Tod. Oh — what, keep them aired for you ? 

Mrs. T. No — become my tenant. What say you ? 

Tod. I should be delighted — enchanted ! But, as I am 
bound to put the thing in its proper light — I am only a 
poor painter — a very poor painter — I mean, in a pecuniary 
point of view — 

Mrs. T. We shall not quarrel about terms, Mr. Toddle, 
I dare say — and so I look upon you as my tenant, {crosses l. 

Tod. (aside) Well, at any rate, I shall be able to re- 
ceive my dear Fanny in a genteel second floor, instead of 
a miserable attic. 

Mrs. T. My luggage is already gone to the coach office, 
and I've only to take a few papers out of my writing desk. 
(she goes to desk, and takes out a roll of papers) Here they 
are — and now, Mr. Toddle, consider yourself at home. 

Enter Jacob, c. 

Jacob, {aside to Toddle) She's come ! 

Tod. She! who? 

Jacob. The young lady — your young lady — Miss Fanny 
Maylove. 

Tod. Hush ! where is she ? 

Jacob. Down stairs. The front parlour's gone to 
market, so I asked her in there. 



MY WIFE'S SECOND FLOOR. 9 

Mrs. T. Oh, Jacob, you needn't put the advertisement 
about my second floor into the newspaper again — Mr. 
Toddle has just taken it. Good bye, Mr. Toddle — take 
care of my — {crosses c.) furniture. I've a few visits to 
pay before the coach starts — 

Tod. Allow me to see you to the door. 

Mrs. T. Thank you — (giving him a carpet bag) you're 
so very polite — (giving him a bandbox) I'm really quite 
ashamed, f putting umbrella under his arm) Now, then, 
I'm ready ! (flinging her cloak over Toddle's shoulder) 
Come along, Mr. Toddle ! 

Tod. (aside) Now, then, for my darling Fanny ! (offers 
his hand to Mrs. Topheavy) 

Mrs. T. (turning round to Jacob — aside) Jacob — mum ! 

Tod. Jacob, snug's the word ! 

They exeunt, c, holding up their fingers to Jacob. 

Jacob, (shaking his head) Um ! so Mrs. Topheavy gives 
up her second floor to Mr. Toddle ! Very kind of Mrs. 
Topheavy — very ! Pleasant for Captain Topheavy — very ! 
It would be really kind in me to open Top's eyes — but I 
won't ! No, no — I never blabbed yet, and I'm not going 
to begin now — not even if it should come to bigamy. 

Tim enters at door, l. 1 e., carrying a portmanteau. 

Tim. (looking cautiously about him) All right — nobody 
here ! 

Jacob Don't be too sure of that. 

Tim. Hush ! 

Jacob, (up stage, on r.) He's at it, too ! Don't be 
afeard. If you were a housebreaker, I'd scorn to men- 
tion it ! 

Tim. A lady lives in this second floor, don't she ? 

Jacob. What if she does ? 

Tim. Her name's Topheavy, ain't it ? 

Jacob. What if it is ? 

Tim. (very mysteriously) He's come ! 

Jacob. He ! who ? 

Tim. Her husband — Captain Topheavy. But you 
mustn't say a word about it. It's a secret, that's why I 
tell you. 

Jacob. Ah ! 



10 MY WIFE'S SECOND FLOOR. 

Tim. He got off the box of the " London Highflyer," 
not five minutes ago — went into the bar, called for grog 
and a glass of porter — no, I mean he called for a porter 
and a glass of grog — tipped me a wink and a five-shilling 
piece, and told me to bring his portmanteau here, and, if 
possible, without anybody seeing me — because, d'ye see, 
he's come down from London on purpose to give his wife, 
Mrs. Topheavy, an agreeable surprise. 

Jacob No ! 

Tim. Yes! 

Jacob. Ha, ha, ha ! capital ! 

Tim. Isn't it? I say, look here — (putting down port- 
manteau, L., and taking a red morocco case out of his 
pocket) this is another of the old gentleman's traps. It's 
his wife's picture — and he told me to be very careful of it, 
and stow it away somewhere. "Where shall I put it ? Oh, 
here's the very thing, {opens desk, puts in case, leaving 
desk open) And now, old fellow, that I've told you all 
about it, of course you know nothing ! 

Jacob. All right ! 

Tim. Good bye ! and recollect, don't say nothing to 
nobody. Exit l. 

Jacob. Ah ! now I'll be bound that if Mrs. Topheavy 
knew that her husband was come down from London to 
take her by surprise, she wouldn't go up to London, to do 
the same by him. It's a long journey for nothing, and it 
would really be a charity in me to stop her, but I won't ! 
And then when Captain Topheavy does come — finds Mr. 
Toddle making himself quite at home in his wife's second 
floor, there'll be a rumpus, as sure as my name's Jacob. 
To be sure, it would be the easiest thing in the world for 
me to explain matters, but I won't ! No, no — there's but 
one thing for me to do, and that is, to see everything. 
hear everything, and know every tiling, and say — nothing ! 

Enter Fanny Maylove and Mrs. Downey, c. 

Fanny, (r.) I tell you, Mrs. Downey, I can't be mis- 
taken. I'm certain I saw Felix Toddle turning the corner 
of the street, with a female under his arm. 

Mbs. D. (l.) Well, what of that? Perhaps it's his 
mother — 



MY WIFE'S SECOND FLOOR. 11 

Fanny. Nonsense ! how should he have a mother ? 
Oh, if I thought Felix was deceiving me, I'd take my 
scissors and cut every one of his pictures to ribbons, that 
I would. 

Jacob, {aside) She's jealous of Mrs. Topheavy ! ha, ha ! 
Poor soul ! jealousy's a terrible thing, and I could soon 
make her quite easy and comfortable, but I won't. No, no ! 

Enter Toddle, c. d. 

Tod. Ha, my dear Fanny ! {to Jacob) Jacob, abscond ! 

Jacob. Yes, sir. {aside) There'll be a row — there'll be 
a devil of a row. To be sure, 1 could prevent it, but I 
won't. No, no — eyes open, mouth shut — that's my motto. 

Exit, c.d. 

Toddle, (c.) My dear Fanny ! 

Fanny, {coldly) Sir — 

Tod. Sir, what is the matter ? 

Fanny. I think Mr. Toddle might have been at home 
to receive me — especially as it is my first visit. 

Tod. M.j darling Fanny, I merely stepped out to sniff 
the fresh air — 

Mrs. T. {aside to him) And take your aunt home ! 

Tod. {tahing the hint) And take my aunt home. 

Fanny. Your aunt ? I never heard of her. 

Tod. No!, {aside) No more did I. {aloud) Oh, yes 
Aunt Jones — Uncle Jones's widow. 

Fanny, (r) How silly of me, to be sure ! I declare I 
felt quite jealous. But you forgive me, Felix ? 

Tod. Fanny, I do ! {aside to Mrs. Downey) Downey, 
you are a knowing one ! {aloud) And so, Fanny, you have 
at last ventured upon paying me a visit in my own apart- 
ment. 

Fanny. Yes, and a delightful second floor you've got 
— everything in such apple pie order, too, for a bachelor, 
{examining arm chair — screams) Ah ! 

Tod. What's the matter now ? 

Fanny. A needle and thread stuck into the back of 
the chair. 

Tod. The devil ! {crosses to her) 

Fanny, (l., putting her finger to her mouth) The very 
thing I should like to have said, if I had dared. How did 
it come there, Mr. Toddle ? 



12 my wife's second floor. 

Tod. (bothered) Why, I imagine it came there, simply 
because it was put there. 

Fanny. Who by — who by — who by : {impatiently) 

Mrs. T. (r.— aside to Toddle) Aunt Jones. 

Tod. Aunt Jones ! the stupid old creature is always 
sticking her needles into the chairs, {aside to Mrs. 
Downey) Downey, you're a deep one. 

Fanny. Ah, these aunts and uncles are very convenient 
sort of people at times. 

Tod. I wish I could say as much for your old cur- 
mudgeon of an uncle — who, with a spirit worthy of a red 
Indian, insists on your becoming the better half of a man 
old enough to be your grandfather, without an idea be- 
yond almonds and raisins, and sevenpenny moist. 

Fanny, (l.) Now really, Felix, you are too severe upon 
poor Mr. Spicey ! 

Tod. (c.) Poor Mr. Spicey ! rich Mr. Spicey, you 
mean. Why don't you boldly declare that you have 
bestowed your affections on a more interesting object. 

Fanny. I told my uncle so this morning, and he said 
he'd cut me off with a shilling. 

Tod. Well, a shilling's better than nothing — that's six- 
pence a-piece, you know. But have you no other relations. 

Fanny. No ; but I have a dear, kind godfather. 

Tod. Go to him ! you know he promised to do some- 
thing for you. 

Fanny. Yes, but I haven't seen him since I was chris- 
tened. I have made every possible inquiry after him, but 
without success. 

Enter Jacof, c, with shovel of coals and tea kettle. 

Tod. And consequently, your old ruffian of an uncle 
takes advantage of your unprotected state, to bully you 
into becoming Mrs. Spicey ! I execrate that man. I 
repeat, Fanny, Spicey is the object of my execration — and 
if you should hear of his being found, one of these morn- 
ings, smothered in one of his own treacle tubs,] don't be 
astonished. (Jacob sidles in at c, during the above as 
before, gradually getting nearer and nearer, till Toddle 
turns round and sees him — he seizes him) What the devil 
are you doing here r does anybody want me ? 



MY WIFE'S SECOND FLOOR. 13 

Jacob. Yes, sir ! 

Todd. True ! I remember ! the old lady from next door, 
isn't it? 

Jacob. Yes, sir ! she wants to know what you charge 
for painting her poodle dog. 

Todd. What sort of an animal is it ? 
Jacob. Oh, rather a genteel old lady. 
Todd. Pshaw! zounds, you rascal ! why didn't you tell 
me all this at once ? 

Jacob. Me ? a likely matter, indeed ! just as if I was 
going to say anything about it ! 

Todd. Pooh ! Fanny, excuse me — business, you know, 

must be attended to — I'll be back in a minute. Runs off, c. 

Fanny. Mrs. Downey, I haven't an atom of curiosity, 

but I should like to know what sort of a character Jacob 

would give Mr. Toddle — suppose we draw him out ? Jacob ! 

Jacob. Ma'am ! 

Fanny, (d.) Mr. Toddle seems a very steady young 
man. (Jacob looks up at her) 

Mrs. D. {on the other side) Perhaps not quite so steady 
as he looks — eh, Jacob ? (Jacob same play) 

Fanny. Doesn't keep late hours, I'll be bound ? early 
to bed, and early to rise, eh ! (Jacob same play) 

Mrs. D. Except when he has company. (Jacob ditto) 
Fanny. A few gentlemen, perhaps, occasionally, but 
no ladies — I say no ladies, Jacob? (Jacob ditto) 

Mrs. D. Of course not — the ladies write to him— don't 
they, Jacob ? (Jacob as before) 

Fanny. Not they ! Jacob, I'm sure, never takes in any 

little three-cornered notes, sky-blue paper, do you, Jacob? 

(Jacob as'before) Hasn't the man got a tongue in his head ? 

Mrs. D. Is the creature dumb ? 

(Jacob looks at them alternately — begins to whistle — 

turns round, and tcalks out at c 
Fanny. None are so dumb as those who won't speak! 
There's something wrong depend on't. {crosses to r.) 

Mrs. D. Then it's our duty to find it out. So I'll begin 
by searching this writing desk, {opens it and takes out 
miniature — looks at it) Oh, Fanny ! 
Fanny. What is it? 
Mrs. D. Toddle's a wretch ! Look here ! 

. B 



14 my wiee's second flooe. 

Fanny. A woman's portrait ! I don't know the face, 
but I'll swear to the bonnet ! It's the very identical one 
I saw as we came in, through the parlour window, turning 
the corner of the street with Mr. Toddle. Downy, support 
me! No, don't — I'll be majestical in my misery! I'll 
tear his eyes out — I'll marry Mr. Spicey to-morrow morn- 
ing ! (crosses to and fro) I'll — here he comes — not a word. 
(crosses e. — puts miniature in her pocket. 

Toddle enters, c. d. 

Todd. A thousand pardons, my dear Fanny ! 

Fanny. Pardons ! what about ? 

Todd. Why, my leaving you. 

Fanny. Did you leave me, eh? oh, ah, true — I believe 
you did. And how have you been since I last saw you ? 

Todd. Last saw me ! what three minutes ago ? 

Fannv. True, true! I declare I quite forgot. But 
really, one can't be expected to remember every trivial, 
commonplace occurrence of one's existence. 

Todd, (c.) Commonplace. Miss Fanny ! 

Fanny. How the man stares ! ha. ha, ha ! Downey, 
suppose we (crosses c.) call on dear Mr. Spicey, and take 
a drive in his new green barouch ? It is always at my 
service : and to me there is nothing so enchanting as 
lolling back in one's equipage, and doing the amiable to 
one's poor acquaintances. How do: how d'ye do? how 
d'ye do ? (motioning her hand patronizingly to Toddle"; 
Good bye, young man. (going — they get round table to c; 

Todd. But. Fanny, my dear ! 

Fanny. Silence, sir ! (turning sharply round to him) 

Todd. Will you explain ? 

Fanny. Ask your own conscience, sir, if you have one, 

Mes. D. (putting him round to her, e. c.) Yes. young 
man, aik your conscience ! 

Fanny', (ju. c, putting him round) Confess, sir! 

Mes. D. (pulling him round) Yes, sir, confess! 

Todd. Confess? I do — what? 

Fanny. That you're a wretch ! (putting him round) 

Mes. D, (pulling him round) A hypocrite! 

Fanny. A deceitful, goed-for-nothi 

Todd. Goodness gracious ! what have I done ? 



my wife's second flooe. 1 5 

Fanny. Search your apartments, Mr. Toddle — search 
them thoroughly, *Mr. Toddle — and you'll know what 
you have done — and you'll also know that you're found 
out — and you'll confess, sir, that I am justified in saying 
what I do now — that I never wish to see your horrid, 
false, good-for-nothing face again ! Exit c. to l. 

Mks. D. Oh, Toddle ! Toddle ! Exit after Fan ny, c. to l. 

Todd. But, Fanny — pooh! I won't stand this — I will be 
heard! Fanny, I say — Runs off after them, c. to l. 

The door l. 1 e. opens, and Captain Topheavy appears. 

Top. The coast seems clear, so in I go ! [enters) 
Huzza ! here I am, actually in my wile's second floor, 
without a soul knowing I am in Bristol. But where can 
my darling Fanny be ? Gone to market, perhaps. Egad, 
how agreeably surprised she'll be when she comes and 
finds her own dear hubby seated comfortably in this arm 
chair, (sits) I can fancy her astonishment, ha, ha, ha ! 

Enter Toddle, c. from l., out of breath. 

Todd, (b.) Wheugh! Wheugh ! it's no use, Fanny sticks 
to what she said before — ." search your apartments — 
search them thoroughly \" What can she mean ? There's 
nothing here ! (looking about, then under the table, Sfc. — at 
last he sees Topheavy in the chair — he taps him on the 
shoulder) I say, old 'un, you're making yourself at home, 
whoever you are. 

Top. Well if you come to that, you don't stand upon 
trifles, whoever you are. 

Todd. I don't know whether you've heard the observa- 
tion before, but as its rather to the point, I beg to observe, 
that every Englishman's house is his castle — in other 
words, be off. 

Top. Harkye, young man. Between you and me, the 
chances are about five hundred to one, I'm getting into a 
thundering passion. 

Todd. Pooh, for your passion. Will you, or will you not 
leave my apartments ? 

Top. Your apartments ? ha, ha, ha ! (aside) I see ! the 
fellow's either mad, or he means this for a joke, (aloud) 
Sir, you may be a very funny fellow in your way, but a 



16 my wife's second floob. 

joke may be carried too far, and when I tell you I am come 
here to see a lady — 

Todd. A lady ! What's her name ? 

Top. Well, 'pon my life, you're a cool sort of chap, 
but I don't mind indulging your curiosity — her name is 
Fanny — my own Fanny. 

Todd. Your Fanny ? ha, ha, ha ! {aside) I've a horrible 
misgiving. It can't be anybody else — age, person, all 
correspond. It must be my odious rival— it must be old 
Spicey ! It must be he. ' Damn it, here goes, (aloud) Sir ! 

Jacob, (is seen to walk slowly past the open door at c, 
trying to overhear) The row's beginning ! 

Top. Well, sir? 

Todd. You're discovered ! No prevarication, old man — 
I say you're discovered ! 

Top. (l.) Oh, what you guess who I am, eh ? 

Todd. I know who you are — I know all about you — your 
birth, parentage, education, and occupation — and I also 
know your absurd pretentions to the affections of my 
Fanny. 

Here Jacob sneaks in, and getting behind one of the folding 
doors, which he closes upon himself looks out occasionally . 

Top. Your Fanny? (aside) D — n his impudence ! 

Todd. Yes, sir — my Fanny. I love her, adore her, and 
what's more, I'll have her in spite of you — in spite of your 
money — in spite of your new dark green barouche — -in 
spite of your almonds and raisins — in a word, old Spicey — 

Top. Old Spicey ! What the devil— (aside^ I don't 
half like this. Two men in love with my wife ! I begin 
to feel very uncomfortable. 

Todd. Come, Spicey, take my advice. You haven't a leg 
to stand on — so be off. 

Top. Not till I have seen Fanny. (crosses to and fro) 

Todd. Don't be obstinate. I tell you Fanny doesn't 
care a fig about you. She told me so not five minutes ago. 

Top. (furious) Pooh, pooh ! I don't believe a word 
you say. 

Todd. Very well — then I'll convince you. I'll bring 
Fanny here, and she shall tell you so to vour face. Stop 
where you are — don't attempt to run away — stop where 



my wife's second flook. 17 

you are, I say ! (seizes Topheavy's hat — much too biff for 
him — puts it on, and runs off, c. to d.) 

Top. My mind misgives me ! It'll be some time before 
I attempt an agreeable surprise again. Fanny faithless ? 
it can't be — and yet — ha ! (sees Jacob) Come here ! who 
are you ? 

Jacob. Jacob Close. 

Top. What are you ? 

Jacob. Servant of all work. 

Top. Where? 

Jacob. Here. 

Top. That'll do. My name's Topheavy — the husband 
of Mrs. Topheavy. Now, tell me, who's that brazen- 
faced young reprobate that just went out ? (Jacob looks up 
at him) What's his name? (Jacob looks again) Speak, 
you rascal, or I'll shake you to pieces, (shaking him) 

Jacob. Shake away, you won't shake anything out of me. 

Top. You're in the conspiracy, too, you villain ! But 
farther concealment is useless. He told me — told me to 
my -face he was in love with Fanny — d'ye hear, with 
Fanny ! (shouting) My wife's name is Fanny. 

Jacob, (aside) And Miss Maylove's name be Fanny, 
too, ha, ha, ha ! Now if I was to tell the old gentleman 
that, he'd be quite happy and comfortable, but I won't, 
no, no ! 

Top. Will you speak, you villain, or will you not ? 

Jacob, Well, I don't mind telling you all I know. 

Top. And what do you know ? 

Jacob. Why, I know nothing. He, he ! You thought 
I was going to blab, did you ? No, no, I've a soul above 
tittle tattle. 

Top. I shall go mad ! No, I won't, I'll go to London, 
send for my lawyer, allow Mrs. Topheavy a separate 
maintenance, find out my long neglected god-daughter, 
settle every shilling I have upon her, and then take a 
flying leap off Waterloo -bridge. Oh, Fanny, Fanny ! 
(Jacob laughs) Stand out of my way! 

Puts on Toddle's hat, and rushes out l. 1 e, 

Jacob. He, he ! I knew there' d be a rumpus. Things 
are getting into a nice mess. To be sure, I could soon set 
'em right again, but I won't, no, no ! 



18 my wife's second flqok. 

Toddle, {without) This way, madam, this way ! 
Enter Toddle, Fanny, and Mb.s. Downey, c. from l. 

Fanny. Mr. Spicey here r The thing's impossible. 

Todd. I tell you he is here, and there he stands. No, 
he doesn't ! {looking about) 

Fanny. For shame, sir ! this was a poor paltry artifice 
to induce me to return here. 

Todd. No such thing. I tell you I saw him — spoke to 
him. Ah, Jacob, where's Mr. Spicey ! 

Jacob, (aside) Fie takes Captain Topheavy for Mr. 
Spicey, he. he ! here's another row. 

Todd. You must have seen him. 

Jacob. I never see nothing. 

Todd. Ugh ! no matter, {to Fanny) You know you- 
told me to search my apartments — I did so thoroughly* 
and I repeat I found Spicey. 

Fanny. No such thing, sir. You found that I had 
discovered the undeniable evidence of your attachment to 
another woman. 

Todd. Me? 

Mrs. D. Yes, the little red morocco case, sir. 

Fanny. The miniature, sir, fie ! fie ! 

Todd. Haven't the most distant notion what they mean. 

Jacob, (aside) I could tell you easily enough, but I won't. 

Topheavy. (without) Jacob! Jacob! 

Todd. Ah ! Spicey's voice ! 

Topheavy. (without \ I want my portmanteau ! 

Todd. Portmanteau: (sees it) ; here it is, sure enough. 
Ha, ha ! I'll take it to you, my fine iellow. Stay where 
you are, ladies, Fll bring the gentleman back with me — 
and if he won't come back by fair means, I will drag him 
up stairs by the hair of his head. 

Seizes the portmanteau, and runs off, l. 1 e. 

Fanny, (alarmed) Oh, Jacob, run and prevent mis- 
chief — perhaps there'll be bloodshed. 

Jacob. I shouldn't wonder ! (aside) And to think that 
one word from me would settle everything to everybody's 
satisfaction — but I won't speak, no, no ! (Exit Jacob 
l. 1 e., hurried by Mrs. Downey, who follows him — 
1'anny is anxiously looking off at door, l. 1 e — Enter 
Topheavy, c.from l. 



MY WIFE'S SECOND FLOOR. 19 

Top. On second thoughts, I'll see the perfidious Fanny 
once again, before I 'leave her for ever. She's coming up 
the street, so I'll in here, and then appear and confound 
her. Exit into room, R. d. 

Fanny, {looking off, i. 1 e.) Why, I declare— no— - 
yes — it is a female in the identical bonnet I saw this 
morning. She's coming up the stairs — if I could but see 
her face. Ah ! there, I caught a glimpse — it's she her- 
self ! the original of that odious miniature. So this is my 
rival ! this is aunt Jones, is it ? very well, (retires, l.) 

Enter Mrs. Topheavy, c.Jrom l. 

Mrs. T. How very provoking to be sure ! I quite 
forgot to give Mr. Toddle the key of the cellar ! (sees 
Fanny) This must be the lady that's come to sit to Mr. 
Toddle for her portrait, (aloud) I presume, madam, we 
are both waiting to see the same person ? 

Fanny. I'm afraid we are, ma'am, (aside) Saucy minx! 

Mrs. T. (r.) I'm sure you'll be pleased with your por- 
trait, ma'am, whenever it is finished—and I do think a tiny 
little miniature in a tiny little red morocco case, such a 
charming present to gi?e the man of one's heart, don't 
you, ma'am ? 

Fanny, (bursting out) Don't be impertinent, madam ! 

Mrs. T. Impertinent! 

Fanny, (l.) Yes, yes ! I know all about you — Aunt 
Joues ! (satirically) 

Mrs. T. Aunt Jones ? the young woman's a maniac ! 
Who are you, madam ? 

Fanny. Your rival ! Yes. madam — your rival in the 
affections of the most false — fickle — perfidious, and per- 
j ured of his sex ! 

Mrs. T. Mercy on us ! (aside) Thoughts by no means 
flattering to Tristram Topheavy are busy in my bosom ! 
(aloud) Why, you don't mean to insinuate — 

Fanny. I scorn to insinuate — I tell you to your face 
that the " man of your heart," as you call him, has sworn, 
over and over again, that he loves me to distraction — and, 
moreover, that that tiny little miniature — 

Mrs. T. Well? (alarmed) 

Fanny. In that tiny little red morocco case— 

Mrs. T. Well? 



20 my wife's second floor. 

Fanny. Which you gave him — 

Mrs. T. Well ? 

Fanny. Is now in my possession. There — there! 

{showing the miniature to her, 
Mrs. T. {taking the miniature) Oh, oh, oh ! 
Fanny. Oh! {sobbing in each other' s arms) 
Mrs. T. I'm sure I feel for you, that I do ! {they em- 
brace, and weep) 

Fanny. I'm sure I sympathize with you, as you must 
of course, resign your pretensions. 

Mrs. T. I would if I could, but I can't. I'm married 
to him. 

Fanny. Married ! — you ? Then let me marry him too, 
and then we'll transport the wretch ! 

Mrs. T. You're very kind, but — 

Fanny. Ah ! then you're not married to him. or you'd 
jump at such a chance. 

Mrs. T. But I tell you I am ! I ought to know better 
than you. 

Fanny. It's no such thing ! I must know better than you, 

Mrs. T. Take care, young woman, or you'll put my 
back up ! It's no joke to put my back up ! 

Fanny. Don't think to frighten me, ma'am ! If we 
were men, 1 should demand satisfaction ! 

Mrs. T. Then let us act like men ! Name your time ! 

Fanny. Whenever you please. 

Mrs. T. Weapons ? 

Fanny. Whatever you choose. 

Mrs. T. The place of meeting ? 

Fanny. Wherever you like. 

Mrs. T. I'll be there. 

Fanny. So will I. Swords? 

Mrs. T. Swords. 

Fanny. Or pistols ? 

Mrs. T. Pistols be it. Here on the spot ? 

Fanny. As you please— or behind the barracks? 

Mrs. T. Whichever you please. 

Fanny. Just as you like. 

Mrs. T. Then sword9 on the spot. 

Fanny. Agreed ! Pistols behind the barracks. 

Mrs. T. I see, you prefer pistols behind the barracks. 



my wife's second eloor. 21 

Fanny. And you're determined on swords on the spot. 

Mks. T. I am, and won't give way. 

Fanny. No more will I. 

M^. T. I admire your spirit. Then I shall be here 
with swords on the spot. 

Fanny. And I shall be with pistols behind the barracks. 

Both, Agreed ! (shake hands) 

Fanny. And then, having satisfied my honour, I shall 
marry vlr. Spicey — you hear, madam ? I'm determined to 
marry Mr. Spicey. {aside) She'll be sure to tell Felix, 
and he'll be miserable — that'll be some comfort. Exit, c. 

Mrs. T. Spicey ! What can she mean ? Who can she 
mean ? Ah, I see it all. Topheavy, alias Spicey — and 
under that fictitious name, my wretch of a husband has 
seduced this young woman's affections, and sacrificed my 
peace of mind, and my portrait. Oh, Top ! Top ! what a 
rod in pickle I have got for you, and when we do meet — 

Here Topheavy, who has entered from door, r., presents 

himself before her in an attitude — arms akimbo, Sfc. 
Topheavy ! 

Top. Stands before you, in all the dignity of offended 
manhood ! 

Mrs.T . Topheavy, it's no use trying it on — it won't 
do — you look the very picture of remorse, you do ! 

Top. Remorse ! Indignation, you mean. And now, 
madam, have you anything to say ? 

Mrs. T. Lots ! Look at me, sir — do you know one 
Mr. Spicey? 

Top. (aside) Upon my soul, that's a cool question ! Her 
morals must be in a sad state of dilapidation ! (aloud) Yes, 
madam, I know the villain — and what's more, I know 
your partiality for him. 

Mrs. T. My partiality ! Oh, dear, no ! I liked the 
fellow well enough once, I'm ashamed to say. 

Top. And well you may be ! 

Mrs. T. But now I feel I hate him ! 

Top. You do ! and why ? 

Mrs. T. You know. 

Top. 'Pon my life I don't! Has he deceived you? 

Mrs. T. You know he has ! 

Top. I tell you I don't. Never mind — he must be 
punished. 



22 my wife's second floor. 

Mrs. Yes — I'll take care of that. 

Top. No — be that ray task — Spicey dies ! 

Mrs. T. No— repent, Tristram Topheavy. Don't make 
away with yourself. m 

Top. Make away with myself ! 

Mrs. T. Oi course. You're Mr. Spicey! 

Top. Am I ? 

Mrs. T. You know you are ! 

Top. {aside) Well, as there seems to be but one opinion 
on the subject, I suppose I am ! 

Mrs. T. Come, sir — no prevarication. Y r ou understand 
me. 

Top. Why, there is but one thing which prevents my 
understanding you, thoroughly, and that is, that I haven't 
the most distant idea what you mean ! 

Mrs. T. For shame! my portrait, sir — where is it, sir r 
Give it to me, sir ! 

Top. What, in order that you may make a present of it 
to your youthful admirer ! 

Mrs. T. My youthful admirer ! 

Top. Yes, the dashing young man with the dark brown 
curly hair — ah ! 

Mrs. T. {aside) Can't conceive what he means, {aloud) 
Well, sir, why not ? At any rate, he has as much right 
to it as your poor deluded victim. 

Top. My deluded victim ! 

Mrs. T. Yes, sir. The thin young woman, with the 
dark brown ringlets — ah ! 

Top. {aside) Don't understand a bit ! {aloud) Well, 
madam, as you say, why not ? I adore slim young woman 
with dark brown ringlets. There's one for you ! 

Mrs. T. And I doat upon dashing young men, with 
dark brown hair. There's one for you ! 

Top. There's but one thing to be done. I propose an 
immediate separation. 

Mrs. T. And I claim a separate maintenance! 

Top. Agreed! We'll have the deeds draAvn up in- 
stantly, and share the expenses. I'll find pens, and ink, 
and paper ! 

Mrs. T. And I'll run for the lawyer. Runs off, c. to l. 

Top. Now, then, to bring matters to a crisis. 

{sits at table, opens writing desk, and begins pulling 
things out of it. — Enter Toddle, l. d. 1 E, 



MY WIFE S SECOND ELOOR. ZO 

Todd. Holloa! what's old Spicey at now? (crosses 
behind to opposite side of table, and giving it a shake) I 
say, sir — 

Top. Well, what do you want ? 

Todd. What do I want ? (shaking table again) Why, I 
want to know how dare you rummage my writing desk 
about ? [violently shaking table) 

Top. Your writing desk! — your apartments — your 
Fanny ! Zounds, sir, I don't feel inclined to stand this 
sort of thing any longer ! 

Todd. No more do I, sir, if you come to that ' 

Top. In a word, young man, I am Captain Tristram 
Topheavy, the husband of Mrs. Topheavy ! 

Todd Ha, ha ! Come, 'pon my life, that isn't a bad 
idea of yours, (patting him on the shoulder) 

Top. What do you mean ? 

Todd. Why, I see but one objection to your being the 
husband of Mrs. Topheavy, and that is, that the lady in 
/ question happens to be a widow — ha, ha ! so try again, 
' Captain Tristram Topheavy- — ha, ha ! 

Fanny, (at o. d., overhearing) Did I hear right ? Cap- 
tain Tristram Topheavy — my dear godpapa, that I never 
hoped to meet again, (aloud, and running to Topheavy) 
Oh, sir, I can't speak for joy — I'm so happy — so— (fling- 
ing her arms around Topheavy) 

Todd. Holloa ! holloa ! 

Fanny. What ! won't you give Fanny Maylove a kiss ? 

Top. Eh — what ? Fanny Maylove, my own little 
Fanny ! Come to my arms ! 

Todd, ((jetting between them) Before my eyes! Pooh, 
pooh ! I won't allow it ! 

Top. Get out of my way ! 

Fanny. Yes, young man, get out of my way! (Top- 
I. heavy and Fanny embrace. — Enter Mrs. Topheavy, 
r. followed by Jacob.) 

Mrs. T. Bravo ! bravo ! Oh, it's too much — support 
me ! (falling into Toddle's arms) 

Top. Zounds, I can't stand that ! (drags Toddle away) 

Jacob, (aside) Here's another row ! 

Mrs. T. Never mind, I'll be revenged ! 

Todd. So will I. We'll both be revenged, widow ! 



M 

24 my wife's second floor. 

Tor. Widow ! pooh ! she's not a widow! 

Mrs. T. I wish [ was ! 

Top. There — there's a pretty speech to make to a 
husband ! 

Todd, (to Mrs. T.) What ! is old Spicey your husband ? 

Tor. Spicey be d— d ! I tell you I'm Captain Tristram 
Topheavy, this infatuated female's husband — 

Fanny, (l. c.) And my dear, dear godpapa! 

Mrs. T. Your godpapa i (crosses, c.) Oh, do say it 
again! Then this likeness of me — [showing miniature) — 
which my Tristram gave you — 

Fanny. He didn't give it me at all — I found it in that 
writing desk, and thinking it belonged to Mr. Toddle — 

Top. But why— why should you think it belonged to 
Mr. Toddle ? 

Fanny. Why, this being his second floor — 

Top. His second floor ! You mean my wife's second floor. 

Mrs. T. No such thing ! I let it this morning to Mr. 
Toddle, (to Fanny.) So then, after all, it is Mr Toddl 
that loves you to distraction ? 

Todd, Of course it is ! 

Top. Then you're not in love with my wife r 

Todd. Of course not. 

Top. And she's not your Fanny ? 

Todd. No, this is my Fanny, (they embrace) 

Top. Ha, ha ! Huzza ! then its all right after all ! 

All. To be sure it is. 

Jacob. Oh ! so you've found that out at last, have you ? 
Why. I could have told you this an hour ago. He, he, he ' 

Top. Then why didn't you, you rascal ? 

All. Yes, why didn't you ? 

Jacob. Me ! Just as if I was" going to say anything about 
it. No, no.- You don't know me — but I flatter mysel 
you do. -(to the Audience) Did I ever give you any infor- 
mation ? (a pause) I thought not. Ain't I a man to be 
trusted ? (a pause, ami look) 1 thought so. Then take 
' example by me, and if, in spite of our endeavours to amuse 
anything should have gone wrong, be like me, Close, ?-' 
don't say a word about it ! 

R. L. 

CURTAIN. 



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